For our “Ask Amy” series, we spoke with three women with three different areas of expertise on the end-of-life, grieving and death process – who just all happen to have the same name. They have shared with us their unique perspectives on creating a better experience for the dying and their loved ones.
Today’s Q&A is with Dr. Amy Robbins, a Clinical Psychologist with experience in both traditional psychotherapy and spiritual intuition.
Q. Can you tell me about your background and how it led you to explore the connection between psychology and spirituality?
A. When I was 18, I lost my aunt. She was waiting for a kidney and pancreas transplant but the doctors didn’t think her heart would be strong enough. So, they went in to repair her heart, and she ended up dying on the table. I was in college at the time and I remember getting the call, and it was totally jarring for me. It was my first death that was “out of order,” basically it wasn’t someone who was older or sick.
As a result of her death, I experienced stress, anxiety and unresolved grief for several years during college up until I started graduate school for psychology.
Around this time, my cousin was getting married, and my deceased aunt came to me with a clear message. At first, I thought I was dreaming but I now know I had a visitation from my aunt. I was unsure of what she shared with me. She told me, “Tell your mom I am going to be at the wedding, she doesn’t have to be upset that I won't be there.” The next morning, I called my mom and shared with her my message. My mom then told me that she was crying the night I had the visit and talking to aunt Linda. She specifically said, “I can’t believe you won’t be at the wedding. It was at that moment I realized I was more connected with my spirituality than I even knew.
While I was in graduate school, I had a professor who was also very interested in spirituality, and she encouraged me to continue exploring this path. These visions, or “dream states,” kept happening more and more often, and it changed how I viewed death. It was no longer something I was crippled by; instead, it filled me with curiosity and wonder.
After graduate school I started my own practice, and I wanted to explore more of this spiritual world. I took classes on mediumship and spirit guides, worked with a medium, and conducted medium readings. I thought about how I could integrate my love for therapy with this spiritual practice. This opened up a whole new set of questions I was now incorporating into my clinical work, such as: What are your beliefs around death? Why are we afraid to talk about death and what happens after? Why do we shut down these conversations around spirituality? I wanted to understand how spirituality played into one’s mental health.
From there, I ended up starting my podcast with the goal of helping people become more comfortable with their death and grounded spirituality steeped in science. It really has helped people who are curious about what happens after we die, and helped those who have had these experiences better understand themselves and their world.
Q. What is the biggest challenge you face when working with those dealing with end of life and/or death? How do you overcome that challenge?
A. There is a difference when working with someone who is grappling with their own mortality vs. someone who is in the throes of grief due to the death of a loved one. The fear of the unknown seems to exist for both those moving toward death and those who have lost loved ones. Missing someone is a genuine human experience, and it is something you can not escape, no matter how much you believe spiritually. It is hard to wrap our brains around the idea that a loved one is gone, at least in the form in which we knew them. If people are open to it, I can help them forge a relationship with their loved one on the other side.
The challenge I run into is making sure people are not spiritually bypassing. It is essential to grieve, and to feel the sadness, pain and loss that comes from losing someone you love. They need to know their feelings are valid, and having a spiritual belief system should not prevent you from feeling. Oftentimes people will use their spiritually as a way to not adequately deal with the loss. Instead, it gives them a deeper level of understanding and acceptance. The acceptance that they will be with their loved ones again.
Q. How did Covid change the way you work or how you help your clients/patients? How has social media changed things as well?
A. The pandemic brought death into the consciousness of Western Society. We tend to have a cultural fear of death. But so many people were sick and dying, that we had to talk about it. We couldn’t turn a blind eye. Our mortality was put in front of us. Having to contemplate your mortality daily pushes you to live and love more fully.
On a social media front, I have seen more social media accounts pop up around the topic of death, grief, and loss, and that is a hopeful thing to see. But there is still a lot of denial around it, which is understandable. Death can be scary. But it is the one thing that will happen to all of us. And instead of letting it paralyze us, it should be used as a tool and motivator to help live our lives to the fullest.
Q. What does the deathcare industry get right when it comes to end of life, death, and grieving? What can it do better?
A. I don’t think we do a great job of thinking about grief as ongoing. We see it as having a beginning and an end, and that’s it. But that's not how it works. Grief isn’t unique to the loss of a loved one; grief can occur in so many different ways and for so many different reasons – pregnancy loss, the loss of a good job, etc. We’ve been told there are five stages of grief, and that we must move through these stages and get to the end, but what most people don’t realize is that those stages of grief were set out for those who were dying, not those left behind. We don’t do a great job recognizing that grief is a life-long condition, and it is what makes us human. Grief is a form of love.
We also need to do better in the workplace, and allow people real time for bereavement, instead of forcing them back to work after a loved one has died. We have this mentality that we have to hurry up and get back to normal, which is a misguided expectation.
I do think we are doing a better job as a society of talking about end-of-life care and options available, such as palliative care, hospice, and death doulas. People don’t think about what they can do to prepare themselves or their loved ones for the end of life. It is quite a gift to be able to give someone a beautiful death.
Q. If you could offer one piece of advice to others in your line of work, what would it be?
A. My advice for someone in my field is to explore yourself. Read a lot, and be curious and open to new ideas. If you're interested in spirituality, take classes, and find people in the field doing amazing work – there are a lot of them out there.