For our “Ask Amy” series, we spoke with three women with three different areas of expertise on the end-of-life, grieving and death process – who just all happen to have the same name. They shared with us their unique perspectives on creating a better experience for the dying and their loved ones.
Today’s Q&A is with Amy Kite, a writer who covers topics on child-related sickness, death, and mourning.
Q. Can you tell me about your background and how you began your journey of exploring end of life, death, and grieving?
A. Ever since I was a young girl, I was fascinated with concepts of death, life, and meaning. I wrote poems and journaled to try to figure out life’s complexities, why we were here and what it all meant. I was never afraid to ask questions about death. It was a subject that fascinated me rather than scared me. I felt early on that life was precious and that death is what reminded us of that fact.
When I was a senior in college, my dad died unexpectedly. All four of my grandparents were still alive, and this was the first funeral I was going to attend. Luckily, I had experienced the loss of my pets in the past, so I had some idea about how to handle sadness from loss. I turned to writing again and busied myself to get through a challenging time. I wrote for my school’s newspaper, The Daily Illini, and I have not stopped writing since.
Years later, my best friend died, also unexpectedly, at the age of 32. Poetry and blogging again became my outlets for that grief. It was through sharing my writing that I realized how many people want to talk about their own grief but struggle to find the words. That motivated me to discuss my own journey publicly, through sharing my essays and even sharing my poetry at live readings. The more I revealed, the more lives I seemed to touch as people divulged their own stories of pain and loss with me.
Also, when a boy in our community was dying of Leukemia, my children and their peers had a lot of questions about death. I wanted to provide a tool to help spark discussions about these challenging topics. That led to my decision to write children’s books that would specifically help little ones and adults to communicate with one another about loss and to cope with grief.
Q. What is the biggest challenge you face when working with those experiencing grief, especially children? How do you overcome that challenge?
A. When I work with children, the biggest challenge is the unexpected. As an author visiting young students’ classrooms, I never know how my books will be received. One thing is for sure: Kids are often uninhibited in their responses! When I read my book “Goodbye, Gus” and discuss the loss of a pet, I then hear Becca’s story of how her dad died two months ago and Charlie’s story of how his parents don’t sleep in the same house anymore. Children relate to others’ stories of pain and loss and are often eager to share their own stories of pain … without inhibition. It’s really more of a gift than a challenge as the unexpected sharing from students sparks such meaningful conversations.
Q. How did Covid change the way you work or how you help your readers?
A. During Covid, I wasn’t able to visit classrooms as an author; however, I did stay connected to students by doing some online book readings. I also found that more adults seemed to be making time for reading and interacting with writers. It was such an uncertain time, and I saw people showing more vulnerability than ever before in the way they reached out to me with questions or comments about my essays or books.
Q. What does the deathcare industry get right when it comes to end of life, death, and grieving? What can it do better?
A. I think the deathcare industry appropriately understands how to attend to the living by honoring and memorializing loved ones with care and patience. The industry knows that grief can shatter hearts, and the overall sympathy and understanding they often provide is palpable.
I do believe that the deathcare industry can do better in terms of focusing not only on grief but on the celebration of lives lived and for the gift of life that those still have, as well. While death can be so painful for those left behind, it is also a wonderful opportunity for people to be reminded of how fleeting and random life is and how they need to cherish each moment they have on earth. By not only focusing on the pain, the industry can help people to focus on the happy memories and on the reality that death is a part of life.
Q. If you could offer one piece of advice to others in your line of work, what would it be?
A. It’s hard to offer advice to other writers because I feel it is the multitude of voices and the diversity of messages that is so critical. I wouldn’t want to advise others to share in the way that I share as that may not be their own authentic message they want to convey. I suppose, in that vein, my advice would be to stay authentic. Be raw and honest with your emotions.
Don’t be afraid to tell a story about how you were crying hysterically and pounding the wall at the vet’s office when he told you that your two-year-old dog you had rescued and protected suddenly died from an anaphylactic shock reaction to a bee sting. That same sweet, little dog named Gus reminded you of your previous unexpected experiences with death as your tears flowed more heavily.
Simply put: Put yourself out there and be real. That is the best way to connect with an audience. And, yes, I was the temporarily-broken woman pounding on the vet’s wall. It’s all about being true to your feelings, honoring your pain and letting it out before you can move forward on the path of healing.
About Amy Lee Kite: From writing poetry and journals as a child to later getting her Master's Degree from Northwestern's Medill School of Journalism, Kite has always turned to writing to sort out life’s challenges. After experiencing the unexpected deaths of her father and then of her best friend, Kite’s writing focus turned to sharing experiences about death, grieving and hope. Her children's books tackle tough topics (divorce, cancer, and the loss of a pet) and are delivered to kids in a comforting, hopeful manner. Kite’s current writings explore everything from meditation to death to living a peaceful, balanced life.