Among the many common misconceptions about grief is that it has a timeline. However, there is no timeline, and giving people permission to grieve on their own terms and at their own pace can be liberating, especially as a new year approaches.
People see a new year as a new beginning. There is even a common saying: “New year. New me.” For the grieving, however, that can put a lot of pressure on them. They may believe they need to be ready to move on in the new year. Those in the deathcare industry who serve as caregivers can help the bereaved find the hope and meaning they seek while reminding them their grief is still very much valid.
Saying Goodbye to the “Shoulds”
A gift caregivers can give the bereaved is to help them eliminate the “shoulds” from their vocabulary. It can be beneficial to ask the bereaved what they feel like they should be doing, or what others have told them they should be doing and feeling, too. They may share that their adult children told them they “should pack up dad’s clothes” or the neighbor said they “should be done crying.” Articulating the “shoulds” can help them release the pressures of a timeline and find acceptance in taking the time they need.
A Personal Note
Clergy and chaplains can share some kind and encouraging words around the holiday season and the new year. They can help reframe the timelines and expectations the bereaved put on themselves as well as the expectations others put on their grieving friends and family. Funeral directors can also send a thoughtful note to families as a new year looms to remind them of the shapes grief takes from the funeral onwards.
Moving Forward, Not Moving On
Grief is complicated and individually experienced. Timelines and “shoulds” put pressure on people to grieve a certain way. They expect to feel healed and ready to move on after a new year as if grief heals like a New Year’s resolution. When the grief continues to hurt, the bereaved often feel as though something is wrong with them or that they failed in some way. Caregivers can provide some peace of mind, and they can help people explore the ways in which grief is ever present.
To that end, grief is always with people. It shifts and shapes with time, but it does not go away. Caregivers can offer comfort by encouraging the bereaved not to move on from the loss but to move forward with it into the new year and beyond.